When I was but a child I spent a lot of time in good ol’ Riverdale USA with America’s oldest teenagers, Archie and the Gang. I loved them. It wasn’t often I’d be found without an Archie comic in hand. I read Archie while I watched TV, I read Archie while I ate dinner, I read Archie before I went to sleep, I read Archie when I was in the car, I read Archie when I had better things to do and I read Archie when I had nothing better to do. One of my paternal Grandma’s favourite memories of me was the look on my face the Christmas she gave me a trunk full of about 300 Archie books (which is, coincidentally, one of my favourite memories too).

Needless to say, I am a fan.

And, like most fans, I was appalled at the news of Betty and Veronica’s makeover. Appalled! What would happen to Jughead? That nose wouldn’t translate well for the new realistic art direction! Where were Archie’s crazy thick black eyebrows and checked red hair? And Reggie–okay, I bet Reggie got pretty hot, but still. My overall frame of mind was makeover, bad! Bad! No!! I felt certain that this move would kill the integrity of the series.

And then I got my hands on a new(ish) digest and discovered that you can’t kill what’s ALREADY DEAD.

Yeah, that’s right.

With so many Archie books at my disposal, I haven’t bought a new digest in oh, about a 100 years (I suppose you could argue how much of a fan I am with that knowledge, but oh well). It’s not because I don’t want to, but because, as the digests got skinnier and more expensive, I couldn’t justify spending the money I needed for uh, Jason Vorhees boxsets, just to find out what the gang was up to in the noughties.

But now, thanks to the recent digest I got my hands on, I know.

What has happened to Archie?! The trademark look remains but the quality of the new stories SUCK. As much as it pains me to say it–and it really does–the drawings seem rushed and uninspired and the writing even more so. When Jughead said, basically, “WASSUP DAWG, YO”–no, seriously–in the first new story of that newish digest, I wanted to gouge my eyeballs out with a pen. Wry, witty Jughead? What happened to you? Wassup dawg, yo? Nothing against it or anything, but… coming out of Jughead’s mouth?

It got more alarming. There were no vestiges of the sometimes surprisingly clever teens I enjoyed reading about in my youth. None! Even Cheryl Blossom, evil, manipulative, Satan incarnate, wish they’d skipped the whole Love Showdown CHERYL BLOSSOM has downgraded! She wore a strangely not indecent outfit and now owns a dog she can fit inside of her handbag! And she and her handbag dog challenged Jughead and Hot Dog in a dogsled competition! And when she bested Jughead and Hot Dog in said competition, she did it without half the haughtiness and overconfidence she had when besting Townies for stuff in the past. Sadly, it didn’t get any better from there. I got to a point where I started asking myself, who are these people?!

Man, remember the good old days? Remember when Jughead found that pin that made him incredibly desireable to the opposite sex, gave him a chin-cleft and… he liked it? Remember when Betty and Reggie used to team up using underhanded sneaky tactics to win Archie and Veronica’s love respectively? Remember when Archie put his old noggin’ to good use in times of peril and saved Riverdale about… 6,000 times? Or when Jason Blossom nearly killed Veronica in a high-speed chase from the Riverdale Police (“Just look for a snob on a skateboard?”)? Remember when Archie and Ethel went on a fantastic date together and… he liked it? Remember when Jughead told Betty if “the time should come” that he ever “willingly kiss a girl” it would be her?

Or remember when Chuck and Archie happened upon a Mysterious Stranger who reversed Riverdale, which then became the town of ELADREVIR and Veronica and Reggie became do-gooders, Archie, Chuck and Betty were evil and Jughead became a food-hating sex fiend (I would say “womanizer” but to me that implies a certain amount of charisma and in one panel he’s grabbing some girl by the waist going “GROWF!”) and the spell is broken when Chuck and Archie figure out that Eladrevir spelled backwards is–gasp–Riverdale?!

Me too! And guess what.

Those days are gone.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that this makeover business isn’t the worst thing that could happen to Archie’s world because… I think the worst has already happened.

And it’s WASSUP. DAWG. YO.

Dear Archie comics,
I only say these things because I heart you.