I have this theory that proves itself to be true ALL THE TIME:
People can’t take photographs of me to save their lives.
Because they love me.
I have a lot of Bad Pictures Taken by Other People under my belt. In fact, I hate getting my photograph taken by someone who even remotely loves me, because it prevents them from being critical enough about my appearance to work WITH me to take a good picture. You see, if they’re not being critical about my appearance when taking my photograph, that means they are making no effort whatsoever to hide, say, A GOOGLY EYE. Do you see what I mean?
I will try to explain using an example:
My mother is blinded by the fact that she birthed me. She cannot take a photo of me that doesn’t end up making me look like a hideous seabeast because she happens to be looking through a viewfinder of that awful thing called ‘love.’ Love will get you every time. Watch out for it, especially if there happens to be a camera nearby. Anyway, my eye could be googly-ing out of its socket and my teeth could be out, but she will take the picture anyway and think it’s great because to her, I am perfect. My friends, who also love me, have this same problem.
Bad pictures every time.
My theory is that the people who love you are just going to take awful photos of you and that is that.
So you know what I found out today?
The woman who took my passport photo LOVES me.
I mean, she is MADLY, CRAZILY IN LOVE WITH ME.
Every time I look at my passport photo I am flattered.
… And appalled.
I don’t know what to do.
Well, I mean.
I will probably send her a note to let her down gently, but as far as the photo goes, I don’t think they are letting hideous seabeasts cross borders these days.
(Happy 4th, Americans!)