Me: I just took 300 photographs.
Innocent Bystander: 300?!
Me: Yeah! And the memory card wasn’t even full yet, I just got bored of pushing the remote button.
Innocent Bystander: Wow.
Me: Anyway, the point is, if one of these is not an author photo, I will cry.
30 minutes later
Innocent Bystander: How goes it?
Me: I am down to 100 photos now.
Innocent Bystander: Huh.
15 minutes later
Innocent Bystander: Progress update, please.
Me: Uhm, less than 20 photos. I have to see if I can edit them nice…
30 minutes later
Innocent Bystander: I can’t help but notice that you are a crying.
Me: Where is the point-and-shoot.
20 minutes later
Me: This is ridiculous. I look better on this little 5 mega-pixel point-and-shoot than I do on my D80.
Innocent Bystander: Stop dissing my camera.
Me: Maybe I have digital camera intimidation. Like, I just freeze up and get tense-face whenever that sexy D80 sets its sight upon me.
Innocent Bystander: Surely that is it.
Me: I am going to load these onto the computer now.
Innocent Bystander: Good luck with that.
5 minutes later
Me: I hate these too.
Innocent Bystander: They’re not as bad as you think they are. You just have to learn to RELAX in front of the camera.
Me: I THOUGHT I WAS!
10 sulky minutes later
Innocent Bystander: I bet those 300 photos you took to start with were fine. You know what you should do? Look at your picture like you’d look at someone else’s and you won’t be so critical of them.
Me: I would be even MORE critical.
Innocent Bystander: Why?
Me: I’m secretly a very judgmental person.
Innocent Bystander: …
Me: Every time you move, I am judging you.
10 minutes later
Me: I am just going to find a public domain picture of a whale shark and ask if I can use that as an author photo instead.
Innocent Bystander: You are ridiculous.
Me: Imagine picking up a book and thinking it was written by a whale shark, heh.
Innocent Bystander: Maybe tomorrow will yield better results.
Me: Hee hee hee.
Me: Wouldn’t that be hilarious?
Innocent Bystander: It’s not that funny.
Me: ‘Look, that whale shark wrote a book!’
I am going to win this thing. I swear.