Maybe you guys remember back in June when I wrote a blog entry about how the new book I was working on came to be? “Imagine A Book,” I called it, and I talked about how differently it was conceptualized than my other books and how I’d written a bunch of pages in a really short amount of time and I loved those pages and those pages looked like this happy-happy-joy-joy:
It was sort of obvious this was the giggly post-introduction period. This was me and my manuscript over the awkward date stage and moving steadily on into eyebrow waggling territory. By the time I reached one hundred pages–in a relatively short amount of time, amazingly enough–we decided to get married and went on a honeymoon and stuff.
But by the end of June, the honeymoon was over. It was sort of like realizing the person you’ve married has really awful table manners and smells really bad and thinks women belong in the kitchen and how is it possible that you did not notice this before you agreed to take on its last name? I discovered my marriage with my book was built on nothing. So by mid-July, I scrapped all the pages and decided I needed to rethink our commitment to each other.
“Book,” I said, because I guess I am still using lame relationship analogies, “I am taking a break so we can save this marriage.”
Ideally, this is where the soul-searching begins. You’re maybe supposed to step back and be willing to take your fair share of the blame for this failed union and then figure out how you can fix it or if you can fix it. Except I couldn’t even consider either possibility, because I was really resentful about those lost one hundred pages. I felt betrayed. Like, REALLY resentful and betrayed. How could something that felt so real at the time turn out to be nothing in the end? My wasted love.
I gave that book my heart and soul and it was like, “Whatevs.”
So I threw all its clothes out on the lawn.
We stopped speaking to each other.
But I like to keep my word document perpetually open when I’m working on a new project. It is a constant reminder that I need to work (especially when I am slacking off), and it also saves me precious few seconds when I’m ready TO work. I mean, let’s face it. Clicking the MS Word icon and waiting for the program to start is a pain in the ass. Saving time means you are HIGHLY EFFECTIVE WORKER or something.
Anyway, that opened and forever minimized word document haunted my soul. Every so often, I would look at it and be transported back to happier times. I missed feeling it (uhm, you know, like in my heart). I was angry that it all turned out to be a sham. I was angry we had stopped communicating. I grieved accordingly and found myself in this strange place where I could not let the book go, but I didn’t want to work with it anymore. On paper, it was The Next Thing. But the reality of the situation was, I wasn’t doing anything. Nothing. I was adrift on a sea of broken dreams and whatnot.
(Seriously though, I honestly felt like had no sense of purpose. That is not the most enjoyable feeling when it centers around the thing you love more than anything to do. That is one of the worst feelings of them all. Just so you know. Mark that down. LACKING A SENSE OF PURPOSE: ONE OF THE WORST FEELINGS OF THEM ALL.)
A couple weeks ago I was contacted for a blog interview by a very awesome person for a very awesome blog (I will let you know when it hits the internets!). The interviewer asked me what the hardest challenge was in working on this new book that I had been talking about. I stared at the question and then I stared at my minimized word document and then I made a decision. I couldn’t lie about the situation. To myself or to that awesome interviewer. The fact of the matter was, I was not going to work on that book anymore, and my answer said as much. And then I maximized the window. I gave myself permission to give it up. It was very freeing.
“Book,” I said, “I am divorcing you. And since I had an airtight pre-nup, as you know, I will be keeping everything.”
And then I closed the window.
And then I opened a new one.
I had something else I was planning on working on before I finished Some Girls Are, and went back to it. I quickly managed about fifteen pages of it within a relatively short amount of time, but unlike before, I wasn’t really into it. Not 100% into it. I liked the idea–I still like the idea and will return to it one day–but I just wasn’t there. I wasn’t into this relationship.
Still, I thought I could make it work. This new book was a NICE book. It seemed to be into me. Maybe if I just stayed in it, I WOULD eventually get there. I was probably being a little gun-shy, after having my heart stomped on from my previous relationship, you know?
“You are probably just being a little gun-shy after having your heart stomped on from your previous relationship, you know?” My girlfriends told me in sympathetic voices, as they listened to me cry bitterly to them over coffee.
So I continued to work on this new thing. And then, one night, a line came to me. A different line. It had no place in the book I was writing…
… but the book I had given up.
“HAH, HAH, HAH!” I thought. “THAT IS HILARIOUS. Trying to win me back, right? Go to hell, book. I remember all that pain you caused me.”
And then I got flowers in the mail. And sometimes I would wake up at night with this book staring at me, but by the time I turned on the light, it was gone. I guess my book really missed me.
Which is understandable because I am so foxy.
During the day, I would sit in front of my computer and stare at the place in my taskbar my book used to be. Sarah McLachlan would whisper her lyrics in my ear. I remembered the good times that we had. How we let them slip away from us when things got bad. How clearly I first saw my book, standing in the sun. When I felt it’s warmth upon me, I WANTED IT TO BE THE ONE.
Actually, the truth is I was revisiting Dragonette’s greatest hits and all I could think was, wow this song is hot and awesome it makes me want to write that old book I gave up.
So I took a deep breath. I confronted the truth inside of me. And I opened up my old book.
And I typed that line that was floating in my head.
“Book,” I said. “If we are going to make it work this time, we need to communicate better.”
“I know, Courtney, I know,” it said. “Let’s never fight again.”
Then I opened up the other window, the Book 3 replacement, and I said, “Look, Joe. We’ve had fun, but you deserve someone better and I just found out you are a werewolf and I really hate werewolves.”
And then I went back to my original Edward. I mean, my book.
Anyway, the point is. Actually, I don’t know what the point is. Maybe it’s if you love something, let it go? Or maybe it’s that all relationships take a certain amount of effort and talking stuff out or something? Or maybe it’s just that I really like to ramble. THE POINT IS, I am now back with my old idea again and I am not sure we have the healthiest relationship ever, but by golly, WE’RE GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT WORK THIS TIME. Who knows.
But I have rediscovered my sense of purpose and this makes me very happy.
Also, I am never getting married.*
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.
* Unless, you know. Jeff Goldblum asks.
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publication date
Friday August 7th, 2009 @ 10:02pm
1383 words, 117 sentencesmeta stuff
categories: fall for anything,writing
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This was wonderful! Insightful and funny. I couldn’t ask for anything more. Thank you for sharing.
At least it’s not one of these situations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lWApoxvieA
Ahaha! That’s hilarious–but I’m glad you’re giving the marriage a second chance.
Plus, hey, better that than having the vampi–I mean, the book stalk you and watch you while you sleep (and sparkle at you. Unless you like sparkles).
~Merc
Courtney, thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a few weeks. Great analogy and I also have a book I divorced sitting in the wings trying to woo me back. Maybe it will. I think it might…but not for a while yet.
If that book gives you any more trouble, I will have to slap some sense into it.
Or provide therapy for it. :D
Wow. What a great post. I have so been there. Thanks so much for writing it and letting me know I’m not alone.
I love you AND your book.
That is all. :)
H.C.: Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
Christina: Omg. I had to watch that scene through my hands. I might be luckier than I realized!
Merc: I hope eventually this second chance leads to a completed book. And… I must confess. I like ~*sparkles*~ *hangs head… shamelessly*
Kait: Cheers and thank you! I hope you and your book can work it out, whatever that entails. :)
Khy: I have passed the message along. I think it is sufficiently scared enough now to continue cooperating with me. If not, it might take you up on that therapy offer. :)
Kwana: Thank you! So much of writing is finding a way out or back in, isn’t it? Best of luck with yours!
Susan: AW. DITTO. And ~*sparkles*~
Omigod, get outta my head! I’m going through the same thing. I have two WIPs at opposite ends of the spectrum and I don’t know which one to court.
Tonight a lovely piece of music from Dire Straits played on the radio, and I suddenly wanted to get my ass home and open up that document that’s been languishing for two years. “You’ve been at 45K for months. C’mon, girl, you can finish this.”
The other MS started with a dream, so intense and emotional and full of adventure. Well, the adventure is fading. Reality and research intervene.
Manuscripts aren’t our children, they’re our freakin’ ex-boyfriends!
Great post, Courtney!
I am in that situation right now. I had a steamy love affair with this book, but eventually things didn’t work out. I worked on other stuff for a few months before BookUno wooed me back.
Unfortunately, I think I should have held out longer before getting back together with BookUno. Our relationship is on the rocks again and I am starting to notice an unhealthy pattern.
Thanks for a great analogy…and many good laughs.
Rachel Bateman
oh – i am so glad to know it’s not just me!!!
What an awesome take on it. I only wish my ex (book) would call. I’ve drunk dialed a few times, then felt really stupid about it in the morning. Thanks for such a great diversion!
Jodi
ILUCP!
Also. True fact – my brother thinks that Jeff Goldblum is contractually obliged to say “Must Go Faster!” in everything he appears in. This has led me to yell “Must Go Faster” in every episode of Criminal Intent he is in…with mildly inappropriate results.
Sandra: Totally! It’s comforting to hear similar stories about the strange and dysfunctional relationships we develop with our manuscripts. I wish you all the best with yours. :)
Rachel: Eek! They do make it difficult, don’t they? What’s it take to please a book? I hope you can resolve your relationship with BookUno, whatever that entails. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Simmone: Me too! I wish I had thought to ask if anyone had gone through it amidst my temporary separation with book! These comments are making me feel a lot better. :)
Jodi: Thanks for commenting! Hopefully your ex-book will come around. :)
Briony: ILU2CP! omg. He totally should be contractually obligated to say that! Aaah, I want to watch JP now. And lulz, I need to steal that and try it for episodes of CI. Mildly inappropriate but totally hilarious, right?
I found this posted on twitter by Janet Reid. Thank you, Janet! Great way to wake up, reading this. Now, I go send this link further out into the world. And drink more coffee.
This is one of my most favorite posts… EVER.
I have nothing to add. Just brilliant!
Courtney, this is so funny that it made me smile on a morning I thought smiling was impossible. I wandered over here after reading Janet Reid’s tweet recommending this.
I am also in the process of reconciling with a book. It is actually book number two. Book number one and I are still friends, but know that we are never going to make it past chapter 10. However, I think a drastic editing will make it into a remarkable short story. We’re still friends and book one still makes me smile, but it just doesn’t have the legs for the long haul.
Book two and I had to have therapy, in the form of a sit-down with a manuscript evaluator at a writer’s conference. The therapist made me see that book two had potential and was still worth loving, if I was willing to get rid of all the backstory baggage.
So, as I turn 27K words into about 20K and send one of the characters back to the trunk, book two and I are getting to know each other again.
Thanks for the smile Courtney, now get back to work (me too!)
Terri
Dead-on analogy! I read this post twice!
My version of Word does not do a fancy layout thingy like that. I feel gypped. (Or possibly I just don’t know how to do it. But probably I was gypped.)
your application for annulment is hereby granted, without prejudice *
*your union did not satisfy the minimum for divorce proceedings, as determined by a higher court, in this instance, the Family Court :)
I’m a proponent of working it out no matter what once you’ve committed (when it comes to books!), so I’m glad you’re back to the original book.
I SPARKLE FOR YOU.
This has been such an exhausting, trying road for you I’m sure, but all your book angst is just going to ooze awesome into those pages. I know these things. I have the fifth sense.
Seriously though, bb, this book obviously needs you, there’s something about it you can’t abandon, and that’s a great sign. I have NO doubts whatsoever than once you and book have worked things out, maybe had a little counseling, your relationship is going to rock the long term relationship and you’re going to look back and be like “Oh my god, Book 3, remember how we almost didn’t make it and now I’m a ~*award-winning*~ author because of how wonderful you are?” and the book will be like “Yeah.”
Best. Post. Ever.
Just be thankful you didn’t have sequels already during the first marriage. Visitation would have been a pain in the butt to work out!
What a wonderful thing, to be able to vent, write, make yourself feel more purposeful and amuse readers all at the same time.
Enjoyed that struggle.
I’m so happy for you two!
Oh, I loved this! Thank you so much for posting it. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with a sometimes turbulent relationship with my books.
Well hang on, did you TRY? I didn’t see anything about you going to counseling, getting help–no, you just chucked Book aside when the lust had faded! What about the REAL work — the genuinely hard work that makes a commitment last? Maybe you’re there now. Poor Book. It’s been waiting for you to focus some time on it and figure out a way for it to be maybe work.
They say that every writer has some unpublished books, shoved under the bed to keep company with the spiders because they’re so bad. But I think every book has potential to be pulled out and reshaped, too. After all, you fell in love with SOMETHING about it.
Randy: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for commenting. :)
Nova: Aww. Thank you. :)
Terri: Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I’m glad it made you smile. I hope that you and Book 2 work it out. It sounds like you’re commited to doing just that and I think that’s a lot of the battle. And I’m glad you are able to look back at your time with Book 1 fondly and that your relationship with it has room to evolve. ;) Happy writing!
Loretta: Thank you! :)
Annika: All you have to do is keep zooming out until it looks like that. No ~fancy~ tricks!
Damon: !! Hee
Daisy: Thank you. :)
Victoria: I SPARKLE FOR YOU. I love your fifth sense, bb. <3 And oh my God, lulz. I am so looking forward to that day me and my book can look back on all the pain and just laugh and laugh and laugh and then makeout for awhile. I hope your prediction comes true!
Scott: … HAH! SO TRUE.
Nora: Glad you enjoyed it! It makes it worth it. Thanks for reading + commenting. :)
Colin: Thank you!
Shawna: Apparently it’s super super common! I’m really glad–I was starting to think it was Just Me!!
Sierra: I am going to have to print out your comment and look at it for a balancing POV. In my defense, I gave and gave and got nothing in return for all those hundred pages! ;)
Oh. Heh. I…knew that? Oh dear. Well, anyway. I tried it and it made my 32 pages look distinctly puny so I don’t believe I’ll be doing it again any time soon.
OMG I’m not the only one who keeps the Word doc open 24/7?? I HATE waiting for it to open too!! Also, I HATE looking for *my place* again since it always opens to the title page. What the heck, Word??
Good for you! It’s the books and their authors that go through those tough times together and come through them that have deeper, more meaningful relationships, you know? When there comes a time when neither of you looks good in a swimsuit anymore, you’ll still . . . um. Something something. Insert something wise here.
I love you Courtney.
I have felt this way so many times with my work-in-progress… mostly due to outside stressors, I think (I hope). The concept it’s all based on – the death of a boyfriend – was certainly pulled out of my butt when I first thought of it, and I’ve been trying to reconcile that fact ever since! One time I definitely lost faith in the whole thing. Basically, I took a month off, and when I came back it was… better. Not perfect. I’m still working up the motivation to really put my heart into it. But I’m getting there. Deff. I know you can. :D
By the way, I just realized in my email I said the interview was going to be posted on the 3rd!!! It’s actually the 12th. I have no idea how that happened and I’m sorry if it messed with your head haha.
Annika: Aw! My new 50 pages are also distinctly puny. Apparently I have less to say than in round one.
Emily: I AM GLAD OTHER PEOPLE DO THIS. Although sort of sad because I am not as ~especially dedicated~ as I’d like to believe, hee.
Sandmore: HAH! I think my strategy thus far has been to divorce amicably before we get to the not-looking-good-in-a-swimsuit stage. Or at least. That’s my aim. But you didn’t hear that from me.
Emilia: Aw! :) I think it’s definitely a getting there progress with each manuscript and then you look back and you’ve gotten through it. You will totally get there and being in it, and chipping at it and knowing when to pick it up and set it aside is definitely part of getting there. :) And no worries about the interview!!!! In the grand scheme of head mess-age, that was totally not. Hee!
Should I be in awe or appalled that you slipped and called it ‘Edward’?
I think the elation I’m experiencing over the fact that you and Book are back together pretty much overwhelms all other emotions. And also the fact that the entire room of commentors actually talks to inanimate objects. Much like myself, though it’s mostly dogs who have no idea what the hell you’re talking about and just follow you around because they feel it’s good to have someone to talk to.
I think I need an Edward.
I mean Book. I need a Book.
I’m glad you and book 3 are back together, even if there are some tough times ahead. Does the book 3 replacement know it was a rebound book and that you weren’t really over original book 3 yet? I hope it understands the nature of true love and isn’t taking things too hard.
I wish you and original book 3 the best moving forward!
Just so you know this is quite possibly the most hilarious recount of the war between an author and her story. It totally encompasses what it feels like to be “mad” at a story!
Nikki: You could be appallingly awed? Or… wait. Probably appalled. Just appalled. & I know! I love how many people have relationships with inanimate objects. EVERYONE should have an Edward! Wait, I mean– ;)
C.K.: I have no idea about Book 3 Replacement. He is a werewolf though, so he brought it upon himself! Thank you for your wishes. ;)
Korianne: Hee! Thank you. I’m glad my rage could make someone laugh. :)
This post exemplifies the reasons I heart you so hard little one. <3! I loved when you threw all your book's clothes out on the front lawn. A classic move. I only wish your book would have showed up outside your bedroom window and held a boombox over it's head.
I'm also "on a break" from "book3", and have been renewing my relationship with "book1". We're both so different now. We've grown. Maybe we can make it work.
Wow. Okay. I never would’ve thought about it like that. But if I did, Wow, needless to say I’ve gone thru a lot of divorces. LOL. I loved the line about your book missing you because you’re so foxy. LOL. Loved. It. Great post.
Thanks for sharing this, Courtney! You have such a way of blending humor and pain to such awesome results. :-D
Oh, Courtney,
Thanks for being so honest about the struggle with Edward. Bono and Adam were hard to work with this summer–uncooperative and distracted–but they finally toed the line and I slipped my MS to my editor right on time.
Sue: Aw! <3 I hope you and Book 1 can make it work. :)
Celise: Heh, come to think of it, I have gone through a lot of divorces too. And not amicable ones! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Min: Aw, thank YOU.
Danette: Yay! I’m glad they toed the line & you got it into your editor. :) That’s a happy ending!
How is that everything I wanted to say was already said by Suze and Emily! I was out of the country and couldn’t comment. Not fair! I’m glad that you and Book made up, I was going to offer to step in and mediate if needed ;)
Aw, I might still need it in future. Sure, things look good NOW… :D
This had me in fits of giggles, because I just went through the same kind of relationship difficulties with my book. We’re starting again, too, and going to counselling. An outside opinion seems to keep things on track. :)
You crack me up!!!
This line: I mean, let’s face it. Clicking the MS Word icon and waiting for the program to start is a pain in the ass.
Gold!
But having had a similar relationship with my WIP, I can relate. We’re at the, let’s work it out-stage. But I sort of feel like the girl with the perpetual crush on a guy who will flirt with her but not really commit. My book is a tease!
You are awesome.
And, after such angst, I’m sure your book is, too.
anna: Glad to hear it! These success stories hearten me.
Paula: Hee, I’m glad you enjoyed it! It’s so hard when they’re total teases isn’t it?! But here’s to perseverance!!! We can pwn our WIPs!!!
Larissa: Aw, thank you. I hope you’re right. :)