Seeing yourself reflected, on some level, in the pages of a book is an incredibly powerful thing. I realized after reading The Chocolate War that I wasn’t looking for answers, I wanted to know people had the same questions. This completely informed the way I chose to approach my work.

The WSJ article is so ugh. I could pick it apart until my fingernails were all torn off and bloody from all the picking and whatnot. I am just going through the article again right now to write this and ugh I can’t. I can’t you guys. Don’t even get me started on the book lists being separated by gender.

Anyways. So many people are tweeting and blogging about this issue and they are saying it all much better than I could. I feel so grateful for books that open my eyes and make me look at/examine things–no matter how big or how small, light or dark, and whether I agree with them or not–in ways I didn’t before. As a writer, I can’t bring myself to sacrifice the kind of honesty that is required to do that for anyone else’s peace of mind and as a reader, I would feel so cheated by any writer who did. I am so thankful for writers who confront the darkness rather than hide from it. I am equally thankful for writers who show us the brighter side of life as well. AND OH MY GOD do you think there are books out there that do BOTH? I bet there are. Wow.

Also Meghan Cox Gurden, it’s okay to give teenagers credit. Although I see how recognizing their intelligence and awesomeness and ability to self-censor and think for themselves might’ve put a damper on your article. Also Wall Street Journal, this is how I feel about you right now:

For anyone crazy enough to disagree:

For reals, the lists are a fantastic resource for any reader and I have to say I was particularly excited to see CJ Omololu’s Dirty Little Secrets, Amy Reed’s Beautiful and Carol Lynch Williams’s Glimpse on the Quick Picks list and Lucy Christopher’s Stolen, Tara Kelly’s Harmonic Feedback, Melina Marchetta’s Finnikin of the Rock, Daisy Whitney’s The Mockingbirds and Glimpse on the Best Fiction for Young Adults list. They’re all books I’ve read in the last year or so and loved very much. If you haven’t read them wat, I say wat, are you waiting for?!

So judging by the fact my last blog entry was written last year, I have been deliciously neglecting… my blog. Sorry! Despite this, I’ve been taking care to keep the What People Are Saying section of Fall for Anything’s page updated, so if you want to check out what people are saying about it head on over. Thank you, as always, to those who have taken the time to help spread the word about Fall for Anything, online and off. It really, really helps.

Anyways, the reason I have been so deliciously neglecting certain aspects of my online life is because, well. I’m busy and I’m tired, Internets! I spent the holidays launching Fall for Anything whilst juggling family-centric holiday stuff (as you do) and revising the last 130 pages of Book 4, which blossomed into 160 pages or something ridiculous before emailing it to my editor directly after the new year. Yes, it is with my editor, which makes me equal parts afraid–the good kind of fear–and happy. I think that emotion is called ‘hafraidness,’ but don’t quote me on that. But sweet beautiful wonderfulness it is off my desk for the moment and that is a very nice feeling.

And because my new year’s resolution is to write two books this year (I never make new year’s resolutions but the world is ending in 2012, so), I decided to take the opportunity to start outlining and working on Book 5. This is what that outline looks like so far:

But anyway, let's BACK THE EFF UP and talk about my treadmill desk! If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you have heard all about it and you are bored of it all by now but check out my treadmill desk those of you who don’t know and those of you who have seen it already:

That’s awful.

But this! THIS! This marries productivity and healthy exercising in such a beautiful way that time actually flies by on it which is the most amazing thing. And it did not take long to get the hang of walking and typing AT ALL. Basically, I love it.

I also love adding “sent from my treadmill desk” to the end of the emails I send from my treadmill desk, which is way awesomer than sending an email from an iPad/Pod/Phone, Blackberry, whatever you crazy kids are using to communicate with other people these days. SENT FROM MY TREADMILL DESK. AW YEAH.

(This blog entry, I should note, was not written from my treadmill desk but it could have been. I KNOW. I just blew your mind.)

I get a little consumed by reader response a couple months before and after one of my books is released, not going to lie. Fall for Anything is in that tender stage where I want everyone to like it. I’ve gone through this with all of my books. Of course you want people to like what you’re putting out there–I think that’s a very natural and human thing to want–but as The Rolling Stones say…

When I decided I’d write with the eye of hopefully getting published, the first thing I did was prepare myself for People Not Liking My Work and the word ‘no.’ Every writer knows this and knows it well–want agent? Want book deal? You’re going to hear the word no in your quest for both–a lot. And yes is never guaranteed.

(Sometimes no is even delivered by a stabby knife that stabs you directly in the heart stabbingly and you just have to try not to bleed all over the furniture while you send your next query and sometimes you’ve just barely stopped bleeding when the next no comes and you’re like HOW AM I STILL ALIVE? HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?)

What got me through the query stage was reminding myself that fiction is subjective. When Cracked Up to Be sold to St. Martin’s, I immediately started Phase 2 of this line of thinking, which means I thought the same thing but much harder and consequently gave myself forehead wrinkles and headaches. By the time December 23rd, 2008 rolled around–Cracked Up to Be’s release date–I thought I was totally ready for whatever people had to say about Parker Fadley and her bitchy disposition.

Ha ha ha!

I don’t think you can ever truly be prepared to have your work out there, whether people ultimately end up loving it or hating it. Even if you do your absolute best to ignore the stuff people say about yer stuff, it’s hard to be unaware of the fact that people are out there, saying stuff about yer stuff. It’s a nearly impossible concept to wrap your head around. For me, it was much easier to understand in theory, but experiencing it was something else ENTIRELY.

So Cracked Up to Be hopped off the presses and promptly ran face first into one of The Worst Reviews I’ve Ever Received (So Far) and I immediately forgot all of my own advice. The funny thing is, I even had an inkling this review was coming and tried to steel myself for it–fiction is subjective! It is subjectivvve!–but this review took my breath away with its utter loathing of my writing.

The first thing I did was email it to my agent to make sure I wasn’t overreacting. What if it was one of those reviews that was actually not so much mean as it was critically even-handed and I was just too close to my book and not seeing that? My agent and I quickly established this wasn’t the case. That settled, I stepped back from the computer and thought, there! It wasn’t just me! So that’s it! My first really terrible review and I survived!

And then I got REALLY upset!

How to describe it–I kind of felt like I’d shown up at a prom full of a bunch of strangers with my dress tucked into my pantyhose and also I am wearing really, really ugly underwear in this nightmare. I felt very naked and looked at and the people who were looking at me hated what they were seeing and I didn’t even know them!

That’s a really humbling feeling. It’s good to be humbled. But like I said, it’s also a bit overwhelming. After I had My Moment and then My Moment (Extended Version) and then My Moment (Remix) and then My Moment (Extended Version Remix) I did a lot of thinking. I’m a person who Likes Things A Certain Way (read: control freak) and I was quickly learning that I could not control what other people thought of my work. That was quite the personal epiphany.

So was I going to let a bad review be the worst thing that ever happened to me? Well, no. Would I let the expectations surrounding a positive review paralyze my writing? Absolutely not–I have a lot more stories I wanna tell. And then came the mental smackdown: like Jen Trynin said and which I like to remind myself of a lot: “No one deserves anything.”

No one deserves anything, let alone a book deal. I didn’t want to spit in the face of the hard work and luck involved in getting my own or the hard work of people who are in the process of pursuing one. I decided I needed to learn the fine art of compartmentalizing (or ‘sucking it up’ as the Canadians call it).

But how does a writer do that? How do they cope? Well… I don’t know. I don’t like speaking for all writers!

So I can only tell you what this one did.

I am three books into my writing career (hopefully there will be more) and I’ve received my share of reader response–both good and bad. I have been called irresponsible. I’ve received emails that praise my first book in one paragraph and ask me why my second was so terribly written in the next. But I’ve also been told Parker’s story inspired someone to get help. I’ve been told Regina’s enabled a reader to speak up about their own bullying. Someone told me my books made them realize they wanted to write. That’s crazy–but good crazy. In three books, I have learned to view all responses as positive ones–even the negative ones. If you’ve written a book that causes people to react, that’s a very good thing. It’s something I’ve learned not to take lightly.

But I also can’t let any response get in the way of my writing and I think at the end of the day it’s important to write a book YOU, as its creator, love and believe in above all else, because other people’s praise and criticism will only take you so far. You will likely never believe your best review and it’s way too easy to talk yourself into believing your worst. It can also be a dangerous thing to get completely caught up in positive responses and dismiss all your critics as haters…

Ani Difranco has this great song called Tamburitza Lingua. It is pretty depressing but it ends on this great (albeit sad) note: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three two one and kerplooey, you’re done, you’re done for, you’re done for good now tell me did you do did you do all you could? Uhm, like I said, depressing–but worth thinking about in terms of writing. Did you write the story you wanted to? Did you say everything that was in your heart? If you answered ‘yes’ to both of these questions, realize how amazing that is, objectively. It’s a gift and you should take it seriously.

Finally, I could never overstate the importance of WORKING ON SOMETHING NEW. When you’re fully invested in a new story, you’re detaching, on some level, from the last one. Allowing yourself distance from your previous work makes the response it gets feel like not so much of a ‘hit.’

But it’s still intimidating to be judged. Of course it’s scary. And even more comforting: it’s inevitable. NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE DOING. And in spite of all I’ve written here, as I said–I’m currently in a tender stage of Fall for Anything’s release, where I want everyone to like it. I still have My Moments and their Extended Versions and their Remixes over some of the feedback I get. But I know now it will pass and I try to remember the only thing you can do is let the chips fall where they may and then turn your attention forward.

You HAVE to, or at least I do, because above all, I firmly believe that once a book is released, it’s not mine anymore. I’ve had my time with those characters and now it is over. Such a big part of putting your work out there is letting it go. And I think in this particular case, letting go is just something you have to learn over and over again but that you maybe hopefully get better at the more and more you do it.

Lest you become this Duffy song.

The only problem was I wasn’t sure how I’d frame such an entry. How to Write an Unlikeable Female Protagonist? Uhm, that would be awfully presumptuous of me and besides, I don’t think writing an “unlikeable” girl protagonist is all that different from writing a “likeable” one. Also, there’s the issue that Parker and Regina seem to be more liked than they’re hated, so have I even written an unlikeable protagonist? Or maybe I shouldn’t say readers actually like them, so much as they understand them? Also, if I write unlikeable too much it stops looking like a word and my God that is tragic, why would anyone make me do that to a word.

So THAT is why I haven’t written a blog entry on the topic: the actual writing of an unlikeable main character is less complicated than talking about writing one. But still, I get questions about and relating to the likeability of my female protagonists.

Readers seem to want to know why:

1. I would make Parker and Regina so unlikeable and
2. Do I really believe anyone would suffer their company willingly (like Chris, Jake and Michael) and
3. Do I think readers (or anyone) should like them

These are pretty great questions. If you don’t want to read the rest of this entry, the short answers are 1) because I wanted to 2) yes and 3) that’s up to the reader and there you go.

Before I wrote Cracked Up to Be, I wrote another YA novel. It had two POVs–a boy named Peter and a girl named Margot–and, get this, it was written in third person. The book got me so close to representation, there is a whole story there about how I pulled my hair out, but never mind that.

So it got rejected a lot. And what all the rejections seemed to come down to was that people liked Peter and hated Margot. SURE, there may have been massive other problems with the novel but to cope with the sting of (literally) hundreds of rejections, I needed to pinpoint what they all had in common and then uh, get defensive about it. So Margot was what they had in common. She was cold. They couldn’t connect with her. I took the manuscript out and reevaluted it, wondering if I could make her more ‘likeable’ (whatever that means). But when I read it, I had a problem: I liked her and I didn’t think I could change her.

(Just so you know, Margot spent the first half of the book hating her perfect boyfriend and wanting him to die. Then in the second half he DID and then she was like, “Oh man.” WAT is unloveable about that, I ask you.)

So I did a lot of navel-gazing soul-searching and I just kept getting annoyed because my thoughts decided to circle in this way: WHY DO GIRLS HAVE TO BE NICE ALL THE TIME THEY CAN BE MEAN AND ANGRY AND GENDER STEREOTYPING MUCH ARGH. Just. Like. That. I was bothered that the behaviours that are supported, loved, celebrated or romanticized in male characters would be, I thought, rejected in female characters because we have the perception that girls are sugar and spice and everything nice (er, not that I think wanting your significant other to DIE is an inherently male characteristic).

We are HARD on girls.

And please don’t mistake me: I’m not saying we’re not hard on guys at all, or that male characters aren’t held to their own set of ridiculous standards but I am writing an entry about writing unlikeable female characters, so. Anyway, just imagine a character like Sutter Keely (whom I LOVE) and Holden Caulfield (who I dream of repeatedly punching in the face) as girls. How do you think they would be received?

Or how about: imagine a girl who is outwardly hostile to her love interest, has violent tendencies, invades his personal space, and is just generally inappropriate. Like, you know–stalkery. I see a lot of that lately with male characters, and the implication is I’m supposed to think that’s hot. A lot of people DO think that’s hot in fiction, apparently, but I don’t know that we’d be encouraged to think the same thing if the aggressor in question was female.

I think that entire paragraph could turn into a conversation in itself and I’m sure someone can come along and passionately refute what I am saying etc. but I’m just telling you what got me to the point of wanting to write about and then actually writing a character like Parker. I was contemplating double standards, it was making me angry and I decided I wanted to write the meanest, most unlikeable female protagonist I could think of, because nuts to it all. Part of this also falls under the larger umbrella of why I like to write–I am interested in provoking strong responses, whether they’re positive or negative. The last thing I want is for someone to walk away from my books feeling indifferent (I think lots of writers feel this way).

The choice to return to an unlikeable protagonist with Some Girls Are was also informed by everything I’ve detailed above, perhaps even more so because girl-bullying is such a taboo topic. No one wants to believe the extremes girls will go to to make each other miserable. Like Rachel Simmons, I believe that the expectation that girls must be ‘nice’ abets their aggressive behaviour. I think girls can be physically violent (you wouldn’t–or maybe you would–believe how many times I was told by interested parties that if I was writing a book about girl bullies, they could not be physically violent with each other because girls are only aggressive psychologically).

Part of writing Some Girls Are was gathering up all these ideas of how girls are ‘supposed’ to bully each other and wanting to write against them. I’ve talked about why I needed to write Some Girls Are on a personal level, but so much of Some Girls Are grew out from–SPOILERS–the scene with the girls on the side of the road because I was told girls would never, ever behave that way because… girls. Just. Don’t. (Psh.)

Making Regina a former mean girl who grapples with and indulges in and, at points, enjoys her mean girl tendencies (whether it’s right or wrong) was a no-brainer for me. I wanted to make a difficult story more difficult; not only in the interest of challenging readers (hopefully) but to challenge myself. I think having Regina be a nice girl/accidental target would have been an easy, safe choice to make. I identify with Regina a lot but her instinct is different than mine. Exploring that was not always easy, but that is what made it rewarding. That’s what’s in it for me when I make these kinds of choices. That’s a lot, in my opinion.

Do I really believe that anyone would willingly suffer the company of my main characters? Would they really have a Chris, Jake and Michael inserting themselves into their lives? The answers to both of these questions, for me, is yes. I can think of about eighteen million jerks (yes MILLION) I know IN REAL LIFE who are surrounded by incredible support systems, who have love in their lives. I don’t hesitate in my answer. People are complex and it is never as simple as “bad people should have no friends, good people should.” (I don’t think Parker and Regina are bad people, though.) I think it’s realistic, I think it’s possible. Of course!

I sometimes think the reason people approach me with the question is because they (and I do this too) struggle with the idea of who deserves and doesn’t deserve that kind of support… when really, how much someone is given–regardless of how nice they are or aren’t–in terms of love and support isn’t up to us, unless we’re the ones doing the giving.

That is why reader response fascinates me; being told by people exactly what they think Parker and Regina do and don’t deserve is probably one of the most gratifying things I’ve experienced in having these books published. I don’t think anyone is wrong in what they feel about either of those girls, whether they hate them or they don’t. But I love when they feel strongly about it and I love when they feel strongly enough about it to tell me.

Finally, do I think readers should like Parker and Regina? As I said, that’s up to the reader and that’s all there is to it. As I said, I have hopes that people will respond to my work whether they like it or hate it (indifference is what terrifies me!), but the last thing I will do is tell someone how they should respond. There are no “right” or “wrong” ways to feel about Parker and Regina.

So. That is what I have to say about writing unlikeable female protagonists.

OH WAIT! I just read an interview with hilarious comedian Louis CK and he talked about likeability and I wish I’d just smacked this quote up instead of this entry BUT OH WELL, this is what he said:

“Well, I think “likability” is an overused word. I don’t watch people ’cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. It’s like I understand this person, and I never know quite what they’re going to do and I’m really interested in what they might do next and they feel real to me. That’s, I think, way more valuable than likable. Likable just thins you out…”

I love that man. UGH he is in Toronto in July and I won’t get to see him! Sob, sob. Wait what were we talking about again?

PS Eddie in Fall For Anything will be my first non-mean girl character. MAYBE SHE WILL BE THE MOST UNLIKEABLE OF THEM ALL! Who knows!

I can’t wait to find out.

The last week of May always reminds me of trips to and from the hospital, navigating the back streets of the city in the car with my mom and my grandmother. One trip stands out. I am not sure how close he was, if we were right in the middle of it or nearing the end, but it was a beautiful day and I made a mental note to remember that. I can still see the houses, the trees and the shadows they cast in the sun. I don’t know why I told myself not to forget that exact moment but it’s stuck in my head and it is so vivid.

Waiting rooms. Soft cushy chairs and couches, the carpets. Standing outside the hospital at night, watching people go in and out. How the air felt out there. I remember the breeze exactly.

This is probably so morbid, but if there is one subject I think I could write about over and over again, it’s loss and grief. The way it transforms us. I will never stop being fascinated by the inescapable reality of losing people and the the things we carry after someone we love has gone. How we cope. The questions that kind of loss inspires.

I try to carve out answers in books, one published, one to be published, lots not, knowing full well I’m not going to come away anymore satisfied than I was when I started. I just end up with more questions, which almost inevitably become more books. But there’s something in asking those questions out loud, I think.

Sometimes it’s not just asking those questions, but trying to articulate a certain feeling–physical and emotional–so it can be more understood, so there is less loneliness in having it. Like, I’ve always wanted to know if everyone’s throat gets so constricted it aches right at the top and it’s like there’s something there you can’t even swallow around? And it hurts so much you can’t even speak. But in that exact spot. At the top of the back of your throat? It’s sort of like how I get brain freeze except not, which is totally weird, I know, but the best way I can describe it. Or how grief can make your skin feel like an electric bruise.

Fall For Anything is a book about grief and loss. It was a hard book to write. Sometimes it would veer left when I thought it should be going right and other times it was just the opposite, but in the end I think it did what it was supposed to and I think everything is exactly where it’s supposed to be on the last page. Mostly, I wanted it to be honest. Peeling off a band-aid. At one point in the book, Eddie thinks, I think to find some kind of understanding, you have to be as close to the truth as you can get to it. I believe in that, whenever I write and whatever I write. Otherwise, what is the point?

I drafted Some Girls Are at my grandparents’ house, that summer. It is not a book about death, which is sort of funny because I was surrounded by my grandfather’s absence when I wrote it. I wrote in the kitchen all through the night and I always had a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a can of coke next to my laptop. Sometimes, when I was stuck, I would wander into the dining room, where there are photographs of him. I would look at them. I would go back into the kitchen. I would sit in his chair. I would get back to work.

It will be two years this Thursday.

We put a solar light on his gravestone. I like to go past it when we’re in the car at night and see it.

Life is hectic! I am typing this at 12:27 am and in like 15 hours, I will begin preparations for my Christmas Eve dinner menu. On the 23rd. I could probably make it less work if I enlisted more people to help me, but that’s impossible because it’s less fun when you have to share the glory of an amazing meal with someone else. JUST JOKING.

… Or am I?

In the time since I last wrote, Internet, Some Girls Are got a starred review from Publishers Weekly! I was stunned. They called it a “very real story,” that is “frightening and effective,” also, “every emotion is palpable.” I still am stunned, actually. PW also said I took mean girl stuff to a “a new level of nasty” and I have to admit I am DYING to put that on my business cards that don’t actually exist, but only if I can put it like this:

Courtney Summers: “A new level of nast[a]y.” – Publishers Weekly

Can I do that? Probably not, right? Mostly because I am looking at it now and I am not sure it makes sense in that context, but oh well. Some Girls Are has also been getting a positive reception around the blogosphere, which I am really thrilled about. I have been diligently posting them on my Facebook page (there are also some giveaways happening right now, heads up!) and to the Some Girls Are page on site, if you want to check them out.

In Cracked Up to Be news, two things. First: it’s now available audible! As soon as I discovered this I… signed up for an audible account and bought it. NOT GONNA LIE, I wanted to hear it. It seems like a majority of authors who have their books released on audio can’t listen to them but uh, I quickly discovered I am not one of those authors! I listened to it. I listened to it A LOT. You guys, Parker is kind of really mean! And that this is a revelation for me surely means Khristine Hvam did an EXCELLENT job with the narration and made a terrific Parker. If audio books are your thing, CUTB is now an option.

And the second thing is that a year ago today Cracked Up to Be was released!

That is really, really crazy when I think about it. In the entry I wrote when it was released, I said, “Preparing Cracked Up to Be for publication was a bigger adventure than I could have anticipated or hoped for. Thank you for that.” And now, 365 days later, I can tell you having Cracked Up to Be out in the world was a bigger adventure than I could have anticipated or hope for too, and I thank you for that as well. Seriously, THANK YOU. I can’t really express how I feel about but I think this gif comes close:

So last Friday, there was an Editor Appreciation Day! Friday was a blur of holiday season related crazyness, so while I regret not being able to post my editor appreciation ON the day, I think it’s sort of fitting to do it on the one year anniversary of Cracked Up to Be’s release.

I can’t tell you what an impact my editor, Sara Goodman, has had on my writing. I’ve had the extreme good fortune to work with her on two books now, and her insights always give me the opportunity to improve myself. It is incredibly exciting to work with someone who brings out the absolute best in you. Her enthusiasm and passion for the written word is contagious and the way she listens and communicates is a thing to behold. Also, during Some Girls Are edits, she would not let me pass off a few subpar pages as my attempt at being “post-modern.” See? Sara doesn’t let me get away with stuff like that! Seriously, Sara is a GREAT editor and I appreciate her more for this than this paragraph can convey. Thank you, Sara. You are awesome.

In other news, I’ve been lucky in the reading department. One good book after the other! Check out my GoodReads reviews for these awesome books and then immediately go forth and add them to your To-Read Lists: The Line by Teri Hall, All Unquiet Things by Anna Jarzab and Imagining Canadian Literature: The Selected Letters of Jack McClelland.

And finally, before I post this and start preparing to prepare for the next few Christmassy days:

St. Martin’s Press did a GREAT job.

And on that note–at 1:21 am in the morning–HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS, INTERNET!

I will be back here, blogging, when I am done stuffing my face with the food what I made with the rest of my family! Ah, holidays.

Oh, look! It is another Some Girls Are video teaser for your viewing pleasure!

Introducing Kara, one of the most sick and twisted individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of writing…

Speaking of Some Girls Are ARC giveaways, the wonderful Steph of Steph Su Reads is also hosting one. Her giveaway ends on December 25th and is open to International Entries. Go here to find out more. Steph also gave Some Girls Are an incredible review here and then generously took the time to interview me and ask great questions here. Thank you, Steph!

Some Girls Are also got an incredible vlog review from Kody Keplinger here. Kody is the author of THE DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) coming out next Fall from Little Brown’s Poppy imprint. I am SO looking forward to reading it and I’m thrilled she liked SGA. Thank you, Kody! And finally, Loretta Nyhan gave Some Girls Are a glowing rec here. Thank you, Loretta!

And that is all the Some Girls Are news that is fit to print.

You guys, I don’t want to alarm anyone but I think all of this stuff going on might mean I have a book coming out in less than a month.

!!!

Jake and Parker go out on a date and Parker tells him she wasn’t raped.

Which turned into this scene from the book (pg. 88):

I scramble for napkins and sop up the golden-brown liquid even though a janitor will clean it up.
“Were you raped?”
I stare at him. “What? Is that some kind of come on?”

I found this quote:

Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself – Ausonius

Which I know I saved when I was seeking title inspiration.

The Cracked Up to Be playlist, which I was 99% sure I lost when my old laptop died earlier this year, was also preserved (yay!). Here are some selections from that:

Cat Power – Metal Heart
Damien Rice – Rootless Tree
Elliott Smith – Between the Bars
Golden Palominos – Little Suicides
Matthew Good Band – Anti-Pop
Moby – When It’s Cold I’d Like to Die
Placebo – Running Up That Hill
Rilo Kiley – The Good That Won’t Come Out
Violent Femmes – Kiss Off

SO MUCH ANGST!

Once I realized Parker was going to have a dog, I made these “extensive” dog notes:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_dog_breeds
Harrier
Jack Russell Terrier
Treeing Walker Coonhound

Bailey turned out to be a Harrier. This is a Harrier:

image courtesy Wikipedia

Finding herself under the constant surveillance of her parents, teachers, ex-boyfriend and former cheerleading captain, Parker must find a new path

Finding herself under the constant supervision of her parents, teachers, ex-boyfriend and former cheerleading captain, Parker must

It’s not as easy as you’d think to get rid of everyone in your life.

After that disasterous party at the end of junior year, Parker Fadley

since that disasterous party before

A disasterous party before the start of senior year causes Parker Fadley to re

These lines eventually became my query letter. Please note that I realized I’d spelled ‘disastrous’ wrong about… haflway through my querying process. EMBARRASSMENT. Anyway, after I saw these lines, I went into my inbox to find the query letter that I sent my agent and happily noted I’d spelled ‘disastrous’ correctly in the one I sent her to her. PHEW.

Now there are LOTS of good blogs out there that break down how to write an effective query letter (Query Shark, anyone?), so I am not going to turn this into a tutorial, but here is the query letter I sent out to agents (specifcally the one I sent out to my agent):

Dear Amy Tipton,

I read in your agent profile that you’re interested in young adult fiction and am querying you regarding my novel, Cracked Up to Be, an edgy, upper YA, complete at about 59,000 words.

After a disastrous party at the end of junior year, Perfect Parker Fadley decides the popular scene is stupid at best, boring at worst and senior year is an ideal time to call it quits. Never one to give less than 100% of herself in any situation, Parker goes from ‘the girl who has everything’ to ‘that chick with nothing’ in spectacular fashion–and life couldn’t be better.

But try explaining that to everyone else. When will people finally get it that yes, Parker meant to quit the cheerleading squad and relinquish captaining duties to her considerably less talented rival, Becky Halprin? And of course she wanted to end her relationship with Chris Ellory, the hottest guy in school. Falling so far behind in her homework that not graduating has since become a very real possibility? Well… everything except the Possibly Not Graduating part was totally on purpose.

When her wilder antics are misinterpreted as a cry for help, Parker finds herself under the constant supervision of her parents, teachers and peers. Forced to toe the line between the life she knew and the life she wants, Parker must convince them she’s back on track without jeopardizing everything she’s worked so hard to give up. It takes a little ingenuity, but it’s nothing she can’t handle.

… That is until Jake Gardner, Mr. Painfully Sincere of Senior Year, takes a disconcerting interest in Parker and her past. It’s not that his intentions aren’t good–they could’ve made a great couple in another lifetime–but his innocent questions (like who in their right mind gives up the perks of being popular?) threaten to reveal a secret Parker doesn’t want anyone to find out. Like what really happened at that party last year vs. what everyone thinks happened–and how her new approach to life isn’t so much a choice as it is a punishment.

To keep the truth from surfacing, Parker has to scramble to maintain her carefully orchestrated downfall while doing her best to avoid a real one.

My name is Courtney Summers and [bio stuff]. While Cracked Up to Be has not been sent to any houses, I am currently querying other agents at this time. A full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Sincerely,
Courtney Summers

DUM DUM DUM. Doesn’t that look alarmingly long all blockquoted and formatted in this blog? It looks more reasonable in my inbox. Some guidelines might say it is about 10 paragraphs too long, but oh well. Regardless, that is the query that worked for me. And looking at it now, I truly believe it is important for every query letter to close with an exclamation mark. After I sent this, Amy requested the full and the rest is sparkly history! Sparklestory?

In closing, here is a Twilight gif that I enjoy very much and stole from who knows where. PROBABLY ohnotheydidnt. I love those guys.

But by the end of June, the honeymoon was over. It was sort of like realizing the person you’ve married has really awful table manners and smells really bad and thinks women belong in the kitchen and how is it possible that you did not notice this before you agreed to take on its last name? I discovered my marriage with my book was built on nothing. So by mid-July, I scrapped all the pages and decided I needed to rethink our commitment to each other.

“Book,” I said, because I guess I am still using lame relationship analogies, “I am taking a break so we can save this marriage.”

Ideally, this is where the soul-searching begins. You’re maybe supposed to step back and be willing to take your fair share of the blame for this failed union and then figure out how you can fix it or if you can fix it. Except I couldn’t even consider either possibility, because I was really resentful about those lost one hundred pages. I felt betrayed. Like, REALLY resentful and betrayed. How could something that felt so real at the time turn out to be nothing in the end? My wasted love.

I gave that book my heart and soul and it was like, “Whatevs.”

So I threw all its clothes out on the lawn.

We stopped speaking to each other.

But I like to keep my word document perpetually open when I’m working on a new project. It is a constant reminder that I need to work (especially when I am slacking off), and it also saves me precious few seconds when I’m ready TO work. I mean, let’s face it. Clicking the MS Word icon and waiting for the program to start is a pain in the ass. Saving time means you are HIGHLY EFFECTIVE WORKER or something.

Anyway, that opened and forever minimized word document haunted my soul. Every so often, I would look at it and be transported back to happier times. I missed feeling it (uhm, you know, like in my heart). I was angry that it all turned out to be a sham. I was angry we had stopped communicating. I grieved accordingly and found myself in this strange place where I could not let the book go, but I didn’t want to work with it anymore. On paper, it was The Next Thing. But the reality of the situation was, I wasn’t doing anything. Nothing. I was adrift on a sea of broken dreams and whatnot.

(Seriously though, I honestly felt like had no sense of purpose. That is not the most enjoyable feeling when it centers around the thing you love more than anything to do. That is one of the worst feelings of them all. Just so you know. Mark that down. LACKING A SENSE OF PURPOSE: ONE OF THE WORST FEELINGS OF THEM ALL.)

A couple weeks ago I was contacted for a blog interview by a very awesome person for a very awesome blog (I will let you know when it hits the internets!). The interviewer asked me what the hardest challenge was in working on this new book that I had been talking about. I stared at the question and then I stared at my minimized word document and then I made a decision. I couldn’t lie about the situation. To myself or to that awesome interviewer. The fact of the matter was, I was not going to work on that book anymore, and my answer said as much. And then I maximized the window. I gave myself permission to give it up. It was very freeing.

“Book,” I said, “I am divorcing you. And since I had an airtight pre-nup, as you know, I will be keeping everything.”

And then I closed the window.

And then I opened a new one.

I had something else I was planning on working on before I finished Some Girls Are, and went back to it. I quickly managed about fifteen pages of it within a relatively short amount of time, but unlike before, I wasn’t really into it. Not 100% into it. I liked the idea–I still like the idea and will return to it one day–but I just wasn’t there. I wasn’t into this relationship.

Still, I thought I could make it work. This new book was a NICE book. It seemed to be into me. Maybe if I just stayed in it, I WOULD eventually get there. I was probably being a little gun-shy, after having my heart stomped on from my previous relationship, you know?

“You are probably just being a little gun-shy after having your heart stomped on from your previous relationship, you know?” My girlfriends told me in sympathetic voices, as they listened to me cry bitterly to them over coffee.

So I continued to work on this new thing. And then, one night, a line came to me. A different line. It had no place in the book I was writing…

… but the book I had given up.

“HAH, HAH, HAH!” I thought. “THAT IS HILARIOUS. Trying to win me back, right? Go to hell, book. I remember all that pain you caused me.”

And then I got flowers in the mail. And sometimes I would wake up at night with this book staring at me, but by the time I turned on the light, it was gone. I guess my book really missed me.

Which is understandable because I am so foxy.

During the day, I would sit in front of my computer and stare at the place in my taskbar my book used to be. Sarah McLachlan would whisper her lyrics in my ear. I remembered the good times that we had. How we let them slip away from us when things got bad. How clearly I first saw my book, standing in the sun. When I felt it’s warmth upon me, I WANTED IT TO BE THE ONE.

Actually, the truth is I was revisiting Dragonette’s greatest hits and all I could think was, wow this song is hot and awesome it makes me want to write that old book I gave up.

So I took a deep breath. I confronted the truth inside of me. And I opened up my old book.

And I typed that line that was floating in my head.

“Book,” I said. “If we are going to make it work this time, we need to communicate better.”

“I know, Courtney, I know,” it said. “Let’s never fight again.”

Then I opened up the other window, the Book 3 replacement, and I said, “Look, Joe. We’ve had fun, but you deserve someone better and I just found out you are a werewolf and I really hate werewolves.”

And then I went back to my original Edward. I mean, my book.

Anyway, the point is. Actually, I don’t know what the point is. Maybe it’s if you love something, let it go? Or maybe it’s that all relationships take a certain amount of effort and talking stuff out or something? Or maybe it’s just that I really like to ramble. THE POINT IS, I am now back with my old idea again and I am not sure we have the healthiest relationship ever, but by golly, WE’RE GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT WORK THIS TIME. Who knows.

But I have rediscovered my sense of purpose and this makes me very happy.

Also, I am never getting married.*

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

* Unless, you know. Jeff Goldblum asks.

SGA was also listed in Publishers Weekly’s Spring 2010 Sneak Previews, along with quite a few other books I’m really looking forward to reading.

Meanwhile, I’ve been in creative limbo, slowly trying eke out words while stuff goes on around me that demands nearly all of my attention and emotional energy but I guess that’s life and that’s the way life is sometimes. I will say this: it’s VERY frustrating when your heart is in something, and the rest of you is being pulled in all different not-awesome directions.

Sooo I’m hoping to level off enough to focus soon. Or else. And this basically means I’m currently in a weird position of trying to recharge my batteries and give myself a break without taking a writing break because taking a break from writing is pretty much impossible for me to contemplate (I know someone who can attest to this coughLoricough).

Mostly I have been attempting battery recharging by watching horror movies and waiting for a shift and trying to be content with an output of like three words a day*.

Anyway.




* I AM NOT CONTENT WITH AN OUTPUT OF THREE WORDS A DAY.